When we were growing up our parents protected us, they were our mentors, they took care of us and were our support system. They were the ones we went to when we had questions or needed advice.
My father had a stroke in Florida. He had multiple medical problems, couldn’t make decisions on his care and upkeep. I had to move him to Indiana so I could care for him for 2 years until he past away.
But now I watch my mom struggle with a lot of different things. I started noticing her decline in 2012, when she was 71 years old. My mother started overdrawing her bank account. She would run into posts with her van or get lost. She couldn’t seem to remember how to balance her checkbook. In her 60’s she had adopted 3 of my sisters kids. At 71 she was still responsible for raising 2 of her granddaughters.
So I went to the doctor with her and voiced my concerns. The doctor asked a series of questions that showed a cognitive problem. She had an MRI. That showed changes in the white matter. She was prescribed aricept (donepil). I was told she had dementia but not what kind.
We decided that I should be her power of attorney.
At first it wasn’t so bad......It has progressed steadily. She has difficulty with problem solving. Controlling her emotions, she often screams at me, has tried to hit me and has scratched me. Refuses to shower and has incontinence. She gets things in her mind that In reality are not true or never happened. She repeats herself and forgets things that happened or we’ve done. She Requires care 24 hours a day and she has multiple other serious medical problems.
I’m a former medical assistant so that helps me somewhat understand the medical part of this. I’ve learned to navigate the legal, insurance and financial waters. My life has changed so much. I had to basically take over everything my mother did. I raised my sisters girls from 5th grade until they both graduated high school. Raising girls was so different from my 2 sons.
I work a 40 hour job as a front office assistant in the medical field. This is a career I find satisfaction doing. I love the people, and I can help them with appointments, medications and referrals. I signed up for FMLA after mom was hospitalized for over a month. I caregive for my mother over 108 hours per week. I even have a baby monitor in her room so at night. This has came in handy on several occasions, especially when she gets up and falls.
My siblings both passed away so I feel so alone sometimes. Although I have 2 grown happily married sons and 8 grandchildren, 3 bonus grandchildren, 1 bonus great granddaughter and a great grandson on the way. I love being a grandma but feel I don’t get to spend enough time with them. One of my nieces lives with me and my mom. She said don’t worry Aunt Donna I’ll live with you forever.
If you are a caregiver for your parent you have to have a unique form of emotional stamina. A common problem with my mom is aggression. She has been known to get so upset she will yell, cuss, scratch or try to hit you. One of the greatest challenges of caring for a loved one with dementia are these personality and behavior changes that occur. Meet these challenges by being creative, flexible, patient and show compassion. Try not to take things personally and maintain your sense of humor. Dementia is caused by a brain disorder that will reshape who they are. Sometimes if a person is in pain, having a medication side effect, or underlying medical problem (ex:uti) these all may account for behavioral problems. Multiple factors that influence troubling behaviors, and with the natural progression of the disease process, means what works today may need to be changed tomorrow or it may not work at all. The key to this to to continue to be flexible and creative in your strategies to address a given issue.
