For the first hours, days, even weeks after dad died I felt I simply can't absorb what's happened. It felt like there's a glass wall between myself & my feelings. I felt I had to be strong for my sister and so my loved ones wouldn’t worry about me. Don’t get me wrong I was sad, The numbness protected me from dissolving, but it was a bit frightening, too -- why can't I cry? I struggled with the hole left in my daily life. I had spent the past couple of years as a caregiver, going daily or a two to three times a day to the nursing home to see dad. I experienced a sense of being cut adrift -- after giving so much of my time and devotion to my dad, suddenly I was no longer needed.
I also found myself feeling angry at having to sort through dad’s belongings. I had to handle all things like closing of accounts, papers to go through, sending death certificates out. And packing up by myself dad’s belongings.
I started being more spacey than usual. Forgetting things like being unable to recall what you did yesterday, or not knowing how long it's been since you last ate. I even locked my keys in the car a couple of times. I found within myself a need to organize my living space so I wouldn’t feel so disorganized.
Slowly I noticed I would be feeling okay one moment and overwhelmed with sadness the next. Tears would come when I least expect them. I had obsessive thought patterns, such as going over in my mind things I did and didn't do or say. Like was he in a coma that last day I sat with him? Should I have made the nursing home take him to the hospital? Would he still be alive if I had? Saying things like this outloud found me surprised to find that others remember things differently. Getting everyone's feelings out in the open allows you to reassure each other that you all did the best you could in a difficult situation. It can be hard to bring up a loss, but it's more uncomfortable still if you keep silent and those around you remain oblivious.
During Thanksgiving and Christmas I briefly broke down during a couple of family gatherings. But again I sucked it up and carried on. I also can now work dad into conversations now. It feels ok to remember dad and share memories. Things like dad really liked his breakfast and Denny’s. I am not always sad now thinking of him not being here on earth. I believe someday I will see him and my brother in heaven.
I started finding that every once in a while something would makes me laugh or smile. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that wake us to the possibilities still in front of us. And bringing people into our lives to get us out of ourselves and to open up again. 